In a conversation with a highly educated friend of mine whose opinions
I often respect, I learned he is not excited about the US Census. I
thought I left that kind of thinking when I moved away from Las Vegas
where conspiracy theories often thrive. My friend thinks the government
will use the census data to round up Arabs as needed. I chose to be a
bit more optimistic than my friend, but for entertainment value, here
is a list of few places Arab Americans can use to hide if shit hits the
fan:
1. Bowling Alleys — like you have ever spotted an
Arab bowling? And no Arab would rent shoes, let alone ones worn by so
many other people. No one would ever look for them there. Once you are
there, do not curse the mother of the bowling alley in Arabic when you
miss all the pins.
2. Local Synagogue. One would think an Arab
would be too afraid to hide there given the rampant anti-Arab hatred
among many American Jews. Just dress like an orthodox Jew and nod your
head and you’ll be set on the Sabbath. Warning: do not attend one of
the peace-loving synagogues with truly kind and open-minded
congregants; the census workers will look there for Arab guest speakers
and inter-cultural events.
3. Waxing Salons. Arab men do not wax and they
are not about to start anytime soon. If you see the census taker coming
though, wax away because the screams of pain will frighten them away.
Plus, removing all your hair will help when you deny your Arab heritage.
4. The library. Everyone knows Arabs don’t read.
They can read, but they love the tube too much. Do not hide at Best Buy
in the plasma TV section! That’s like an Arab trap.
5. Yoga Classes. Unless you are not a white
female or urban chic, gay or metro man, you are not going to those
classes. The danger is that everyone will be shocked by how inflexible
your body is, especially when they assume you’re Indian. Tell them you
ate some bad Daal Makhani so they better keep their distance. If they
find you, tell the census-taker your people invented Yoga when you put
Indian down on the form.
6. Hangout by a 7-11 or Home Depot
with Latino day laborers. The Census takers will ignore your
illegal-immigrant-looking ass. And if you are an illegal Arab
immigrant, hide there permanently. You are less likely to get deported
if your serving rich people or building shit for them.
7. The Cast of The Jersey Shore. As an Arab you
got the looks, the greased up hair, and the shamelessness. Just get the
Jersey, Staten Island, or Connecticut accent right and get used to
spending a night in the drunk tank. Extra props to you if you can pose
as a Blue Man Band member.
8. The American South, preferably in a cult
leader’s compound or some state militia. There are plenty of Arabs
there, but the amount of ammunition and fierce federal government
resentment makes the cost of retrieving an Arab costly. Say stuff like
“The South will rise again” and curse the new world order and Obama’s
socialism and you’ll be good.
9. Local city council meetings. Arabs only care
about Middle East politics. They could give a shit about the school
board, zoning ordinances or garbage pick up. Do not bring up Israel at
the meeting as tempting as it may be. It will blow your cover.
10. Wherever there is tons of snow. As this week
in D.C. showed, the federal government shuts down in the face of
flurries. I know you will be out of the Arab’s natural habitat here,
but it is nothing Red Bull or 5-Hour Energy Shots from your uncle’s gas
station can’t get you through.
11. The Holocaust Museum, everybody, this is
where I will be hiding. Very few Arabs can stomach a visit to museum
and they sure won’t be visiting a Holocaust museum—not while
Palestinians die and Israel claims the Nazi genocide 60+ years ago is
justification. The government knows this and this is why they would not
expect you to be hiding there.
12. A tea party protest, only if you’re a
light-complexion Arab. If they ask you about your accent, say it’s a
speech impediment. Firm up your credibility by asking where the hell
Obama’s birth certificate is and how all immigrants should go back to
where they came from. (Google Joseph Farah)
13. Infiltrate the census bureau and make sure not to count yourself. You could be a double agent of sorts.
P.S. If you are reading this and happen happen to be “a person of interest”, please turn yourself in.
Kabob Fest
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