Hello, everyone, God here again. Although you might not think it to look at me, I am often given to deep introspection, and this time of year finds me just as contemplative as the rest of you. In fact, much like my subjects, I figure I better get these resolutions down now because if I don't commit to them I will just break them within the week. In any case, I hope you appreciate my sharing my goals with you. Even a supreme being needs a little accountability. Peace out.
Have a Little Talk with the Tea Party
These folks seem to think they know where I stand on a whole host of issues. I'd like to find some way to correct them on this before they have to go through the shock of learning it once they meet me. I'm working on it.
This is the year I will face up to my anger issues. I admit I need to work on my wrath. But I want to assure you that--contrary to what some of your more obnoxious pundits put out there--I have never once sent a catastrophe in response to the size of the gay population in any given area.
Go Back and Get My Master's Degree Online
Everybody's doing it to increase their competitiveness in the job market, and I think I should, too. Especially since someday I would like to teach at the college level.
I mean, come on, if my people on earth can be inspiring enough to come up with the Arab Spring and Occupy Wall Street, I should be able to get some traction with a movement to reclaim Hell from the bad guys. Talk about a place where the 1 percent keep the 99 percent in bondage. Yeesh.
Spend More Time With Family
They're all up here, but do we make time to be together? No. We're always off doing our own things. And before you know it, there's a distance between you. This must be why I start crying every time I hear that Cat's in the Cradle
song. Well, not this year. Jesus and I are going to sit down and watch Field of Dreams
together, and I am going to tell the Holy Spirit my joke about "ghost protocol," which I know will crack him up.
Deal With My Twitter Addiction
Sure, you folks have your hands full keeping up with the compelling tweets of Alec Baldwin and Lady Gaga, but up in here I've got Einstein, Aristotle, Jane Austen, Ben Franklin, Martin Luther King, Frank Sinatra and Janis Joplin just to name a few. (Not to mention Gutenberg, to whom I owe much.) You try using less than 140 characters to one-up the likes of these people all day and see if it doesn't become the worst kind of intellectual crack.
Set Realistic Goals and Take Reasonable Steps To Meet Them
World peace has seemed like a great idea for a long time, but I think I have to work in stages. Maybe start with seeing if I can get you people to avoid firearms during the aftermath of a fender-bender. Something like that seems a bit more achievable.
Do My Bit to Help the Environment
I figure I wreak enough havoc on the natural world during the year, so the least I could do is give a little back. I know for a fact that St. Peter doesn't recycle the check-in lists he keeps on his clipboard, and that whenever the Choirs of Angels have a get-together they use paper plates and plastic utensils. And I can't be sure, but I could have sworn I saw Mary packing some figurines using Styrofoam peanuts. We're going to do better this year, my hand to me.
Consult with Steve Jobs
This amazing man changed the way the world did so many things, I really think he would be a useful fellow to know up here. Maybe give me some ideas about how to connect with changing paradigms, have a little more influence on my subjects. Trouble is, he's so hard to get to over there on his iCloud.
Negotiate with the Mayans
It's a real priority of mine to make sure the predictions of these great seers don't come true and wipe all of you out this year. But remember, there is also the possibility that the big shift they predicted is not the end of the world, but the beginning of a new and deeper consciousness for humanity. If this is the case, I would stop watching Jersey Shore
right now, just to get a jump on things.