By Staff Writers, The Onion
The Onion
Wednesday, Apr 16, 2014
|
A recent al-Qaeda video shows a militant training to carry out his mission of lying back and watching America’s status as a superpower erode |
Latest threat has terrorist group in plot to simply sit back and watch US disintegrate on its own
WASHINGTON—Putting
the nation on alert against what it has described as a “highly credible
terrorist threat,” the FBI announced today that it has uncovered a plot
by members of al-Qaeda to sit back and enjoy themselves while the
United States collapses of its own accord.
Multiple intelligence
agencies confirmed that the militant Islamist organization and its
numerous affiliates intend to carry out a massive, coordinated plan to
stand aside and watch America’s increasingly rapid decline, with
terrorist operatives across the globe reportedly mobilizing to take it
easy, relax, and savor the spectacle as it unfolds.
“We have
intercepted electronic communication indicating that al-Qaeda members
are actively plotting to stay out of the way while America as we know it
gradually crumbles under the weight of its own self-inflicted debt and
disrepair,” FBI Deputy Director Mark F. Giuliano told the assembled
press corps. “If this plan succeeds, it will leave behind a nation with a
completely dysfunctional economy, collapsing infrastructure, and a
catastrophic health crisis afflicting millions across the nation. We
want to emphasize that this danger is very real.”
“And
unfortunately, based on information we have from intelligence assets on
the ground, this plot is already well under way,” he added.
A
recently declassified CIA report confirmed that all known
al-Qaeda-affiliated organizations—from Pakistan to Yemen, and from
Somalia to Algeria—have been instructed to kick back and enjoy the show
as the United States’ federal government, energy grid, and industrial
sector are rendered impotent by internal dissent, decay, and
mismanagement. According to statements made by top-level informants and
corroborated by leading Western terrorism experts, if seen through to
its conclusion, al-Qaeda’s current plot could wreak far more damage than
the events of 9/11.
In the past year, money transfers to
al-Qaeda cells around the world have reportedly been accompanied by
instructions to use the funds to outfit safe houses with the proper
equipment to receive American cable news broadcasts and view top U.S.
news websites, allowing terrorists to fully relish each detail of the
impending demise of the last global superpower.
Additionally, FBI
officials made public an internal al-Qaeda video today in which the
terrorist organization’s leader Ayman al-Zawahiri chillingly exhorts his
followers to “take a load off” and “unwind” in the name of jihad, and
really cherish the victory over their enemy.
“Praise Allah, for
soon every American city shall be plagued with disaster and hardship,”
al-Zawahiri said in the video, which includes several minutes of footage
of young, masked al-Qaeda militants casually sipping beverages as they
thumb through the latest issues of Time and U.S. News And World Report.
“The infidels have brought this pain and destruction upon themselves
through their arrogance and callousness. Soon, the United States will
watch in horror as its bridges crumble, its desperate citizens suffer in
want of medicine and paying employment, and its once vast riches are
reduced to naught. The righteous warriors among our ranks must now
unite, get comfortable, and look on from afar at the calamity unfolding
in the West.”
“We vow that we will not cease sitting around and laughing it up until America is reduced to rubble,” he continued.
Al-Zawahiri,
who is seen in the video reclining back in his chair, putting his feet
up, and flipping on CNN, later shouts “Allahu Akbar!” when a story is
aired about the decade-long trend of stagnant wages among American
workers.
The FBI has also warned that numerous al-Qaeda agents
may have established sleeper cells for the purpose of “getting a kick
out of” the nation’s downfall on American soil. The bureau urged U.S.
residents to use caution around schools, hospitals, legislative bodies,
prisons, and other decaying institutions whose imminent failure
terrorists may wish to observe up close.
Speaking on condition of
anonymity, one high-ranking U.S. counterterrorism official has
described the present situation as a massive failure of intelligence.
“The
warning signs were there all along, but unfortunately we failed to heed
them,” said the official, who advised Americans to brace for widespread
devastation. “If we’d listened to experts or even our own common sense,
we would’ve realized that this plot was being actively orchestrated
within our own borders. But we didn’t, and now every one of our citizens
and our very way of life is at risk from this threat.”
“Sadly,
al-Qaeda has us right where they want us,” the official added, “and at
this point, I fear it is too late to do anything about it.”
Responding
to the allegations, a spokesperson for al-Qaeda reportedly confirmed
the terror group’s plot and praised the American people as martyrs of
the highest order.
Source URL
|
Print This
|