President Bush has reportedly cancelled his plans to attend the opening ceremony of a Federal Prison in Allentown, PA, and is said to be following the developments very closely. Bush is scheduled to address journalists in the rose garden of the White House later this week, and is expected to address the issue of the oil discovery, which is being seen as the most significant event to impact the US oil industry since the introduction of the sport utility vehicle to the American market in the early 1990s.

The Dow reacted erratically to the announcement, initially gaining 126 pts prior to falling 356 pts before rebounding 239 pts just prior to the close of today’s trading. Wall Street analysts, while first expressing excitement at the news of the first major oil discovery within the continental US since 1958, are now beginning to view this development as a mixed blessing. Bernard T. Watson, a spokesperson for the leading investment firm Price Waterhouse said earlier today that "While we may not be overly concerned with the health and well-being of caribou herds while going ahead with the extraction of crude oil from the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, it appears to be an altogether different matter to contemplate ruining this beautiful Manhattan environment and displacing some one-million New Yorkers, who have always recognized the importance of tempering the pursuit of profits with a significant measure of common sense." When asked about the likelihood of lower Manhattan becoming an important region for US oil production, a leading investment banker is reported to have angrily snapped: "Wall Street isn’t some God-forsaken and brutal wasteland dominated by ravenous wolves."

Nonetheless, leading oil industry analysts are now saying that the development of an estimated 14 billion barrels of light, sweet domestic crude would to a large degree offset current instabilities in the oil market brought about by recent political developments in Venezuela, an oil-producing nation which is increasingly being seen by Washington as a dark and foreboding place which is ruled by madman. Chevron and Shell Oil companies are said to be initiating deliberations regarding the best way to approach possible oil field development in lower Manhattan, and it was also revealed today that 17 major office buildings in the immediate vicinity of the strike have suddenly been placed on the market by unnamed Japanese real estate investors.

Attorney Samuel M. Delany, acting as spokesperson for the two US oil giants, held a press conference in Houston this afternoon where he addressed the question of how the Manhattan oil was initially discovered. He indicated that a 35-story office building was purchased, which was then completely gutted to accommodate a drilling rig, which was shipped to Manhattan in a number of Ryder rental trucks and gradually taken into the building in pieces over a span of six weeks while being welded back together inside. Delany also asserted that the Oklahoma oil riggers and roughnecks who worked the eight-month long operation routinely shaved, showered and donned normal business attire prior to entering and exiting the building carrying briefcases. New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg could not be reached today for comment.

Editor's Note: We love Jan's wit! Oh that this report would be so!! - LMB