“The Bible is like a person, and if you torture it long enough, you can get it to say almost anything you'd like it to say."

- Rev. Dr. Francis H. Wade

I’ve been watching the drama unfolding in the United States over who’s going to be running for elections in November 2012, on the off chance that it’s actually going to matter to anyone, including Americans, which clowns get elected. As an American comedian explains it, ‘When you go into the booth, your choice is between two bowls of shit. The only difference, is the smell’.

But I’ve become even more agitated than I used to be because of all the damn Bible thumping. The United States is currently polarized between multiple views of the greatest con job ever – religion. In this case, it’s mostly Christianity. And it’s getting worse.

So here’s the thing – ‘The Bible’ is the authoritative text for Christianity. The first part of it is holy to the Jews; even the Muslims make some concessions to it and actually think Jesus was a pretty decent fella.

In the United States – and to a lesser but still powerful degree here in Canada – the Bible is THE authority. The Bible is the Word of God (always capitalized). It is referenced constantly as the sole arbiter on what is right or wrong, and is frequently used to back up an amazing array of arguments – whether or not the Bible actually refers to the issue at all. In the US, it is almost inconceivable that anyone could hold high public office without making clear that this book guides his or her every thought. That’s not so much of a problem in Canada, although there is a frightening increase in the evangelical movement here.

The problem is, whether one wants to believe the fanciful stories of the Bible or not, the book utterly fails to tells its own tales without contradicting itself. A lot. It’s pretty clear that either God needs a much better public relations firm, or a better editor. [Or perhaps a new book altogether. Personally, I’d recommend The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the only five-part trilogy, so far as I know. And in it, we do meet the creator of the universe. And his cat, whose name is Our Lord.]

Here is my main thesis: If you are going to use a book as the basis for how you will demand that everyone else should run their lives, and use that same book to dictate what kind of government and society people must live with, wouldn’t it be a good idea to use a book that isn’t so full of holes you could drive several trucks though it?

I’m reading here from The New English Bible with Apocrypha, Oxford Study Edition, 1972. So the text might not be identical to what is found in other versions, but it’s going to be damn close:

The Almighty Himself

God is happy with all he has created (Gen 1:31)
God is unhappy with at least one of his creations (us), and he was grieved (Gen 6.6)

God dwells in chosen temples (2 Chron 7:12, 16)
No he doesn’t (Acts 7:48)

God dwells in light (1 Tim 6:16)
God dwells in the dark (1 Kings 8:12, Ps 18:11, 97:2)

You can see and hear God (Ex 24:9-11, 33:11 33:23, Gen 3:9-10, 32:30, Is 6:1)
God is invisible and can’t be heard (John 1:18, 5:37, Ex 33:20, 1 Tim 6:16)

God is never tired, never rests (Is 40:28)
God gets tuckered out, needs a nap (Ex 31:17)

God is everywhere, sees everything, knows everything (Prov 15:3, Ps 139:7-10, Job 34:21-22)
God isn’t always around, and there’s stuff he doesn’t see or know (Gen 3:8, 11:5, 18:20-21)

God knows what in men’s hearts (Acts 1:24, Ps 139:2-3)
God tests men, to find out what is in their hearts (Deut 8:22, 13:3, Gen 22:12)

God is all powerful (Jer 32:27, Matt 19:26)
God is not all powerful (Judges 1:19)

God never changes (James 1:17, Mal 3:6, Ez 24:14, Num 23:19
God is changeable (Gen 6:6, Jonah 3:10, 1 Sam 2:30-31, 2 Kings 20:1, 4-6, Ex 33:1, 3, 14, 17)

God is just and impartial (Ps 92:15, Gen 18:25, Deut 32:4, Rom 2:11, Ez 18:25)
God is unjust and partial (Gen 9:25, Ex 20:5, Rom 9:11-13, Matt 13:12)

God is the creator of evil (Lam 3:38, Jer 18:11, Is 45:7, Amos 3:6, Ez 20:25)
God did not create evil (1 Cor 14:23, Deut 32:4, James 1:13)

God will give freely to whomever will ask (James 1:5, Luke 11:10)
God withholds blessings, and deliberately prevents men from receiving them (John 12:40, Josh 11:20, Is 63:17)

God can be found by anyone who looks for him (Matt 7:8, Prov 8:17)
God likes hide-n’-seek, refuses to be found (Prov 1:28)

God is warlike (Ex 15:3, Is 51:15)
God is a peaceful guy, and not warlike hardly at all, despite overwhelming contrary evidence (Romans 15:33, 1 Cor 14:33)

God is cruel, unmerciful, destructive, and ferocious (Jer 13:14, Deut 7:16, 1 Sam 6:19, 15:2-3)
God is actually a nice guy - kind, merciful, and good (James 5:11, Lam 3:33, 1 Chron 16:34, Ez 18:32, Ps 25:8, 145:9, 1 Tim 2:4, 1 John 4:16)

God's anger is fierce, and he holds a grudge (Num 25:4, 32:13, Jer 17:4)
God is slow to anger, and it only lasts for a minute (Ps 30:5, 103.8)

God commands, approves of, and delights in burnt offerings, sacrifices, and holy days, likes to party (Ex 29:18, 36, Lev 1:9, 23:27)
God disapproves of and gets no pleasure from burnt offerings, sacrifices, and holy days (Jer 6:20. 7:22, Ps 50:13, Isaiah 1:11-13)

God accepts human sacrifices (2 Sam 21:8-9, 14, Gen 22:2, Judges 11:30-32, 34, 38-39)
God forbids human sacrifice (Deut 12:30-31)

God tempts men (Gen 22:1, 2 Sam 24:1, Jer 20:7, Matt 6:13)
God tempts no man (James 1:13)

God cannot lie (Heb 6:18)
Instead, he lies by proxy, sending out lying spirits to act for him (2 Thes 2:11, 1 Kings 22:23, Ez 14:9)

Because of man's wickedness, God destroys him (Gen 6:5, 7)
Because of man's wickedness, God will not destroy him (Gen 8:21)

God’s attributes are revealed through his works (Rom 1:20)
God's attributes cannot be discovered, hides his light under a bushel (Job 11:7, Is 40:28)

There is only one God (Deut 6:4)
There is a plurality of gods (Gen 1:26, 3:22, 18:1-3, 1 John 5:7)

And you’ve gotta wonder at the morals of this God. The Bible is the ‘Word of God’, we are told. Okay, then let’s hear some justification for these moral lapses:

Robbery commanded (Ex 3:21-22, 12:35-36)
Robbery forbidden (Lev 19:13, Ex 20:15)

Lying approved and sanctioned (Josh 2:4-6, James 2:25, Ex 1:18-20, 1 Kings 22:21-22)
Lying is forbidden (Ex 20:16, Prov 12:22, Rev 21:8)

Killing is commanded (Ex 32:27)
Killing forbidden (Ex 20:13)

If you make someone bleed, you must die (Gen 9:5-6)
If you shed someone’s blood, you’re cool – never mind (Gen 4:15)

The making of images forbidden (Ex 20:4)
On second thought, go ahead and make images (Exodus 18, 20, 25)

God is okay with slavery and oppression (Gen 9:25, Lev 25:45-46, Joel 3:8)
Slavery and oppression forbidden (Is 58:6, Ex 21:16, 22:21, Matt 23:10)

It’s okay if you’re clueless, or waste money (Matt 6:28, 31, 34, Luke 6:30, 35, 12:3)
Improvidence condemned (1 Tim 5:8, Prov 13:22)

Anger is alright (Eph 4:26)
Anger is not alright (Eccl 7:9, Prov 22:24, James 1:20)

Judging of others forbidden (Matt 7:1-2)
Judging of others is just fine (1 Cor 5:12, 6:2-4)

Christ taught non-resistance (Matt 5:39, 26:52)
Christ taught and practiced fighting back (Luke 22:36, John 2:15)

Christ warned his followers not to fear being killed (Luke 12:4)
Christ himself – a Jew - avoided the Jews for fear of being killed (John 7:1)

Public prayer is sanctioned (1 Kings 8:22, 54, 9:3)
Public prayer disapproved (Matt 6:5-6)

Prayers that pester and nag commended (Luke 18:5, 7)
Pestering and nagging prayers condemned (Matt 6:7, 8)

The wearing of long hair by men sanctioned (Judges 13:5, Num 6:5)
Long hair on men condemned (1 Cor 11:14)

Circumcision instituted (Gen 17:10)
Leave that little thing alone - circumcision condemned (Gal 5:2)

The Sabbath is good (Ex 20:8)
The Sabbath repudiated (Is 1:13, Rom 14:5, Col 2:16)

The Sabbath instituted because God rested on the seventh day (Ex 20:11)
The Sabbath instituted because God brought the Israelites out of Egypt (Deut 5:15)

No work to be done on the Sabbath under penalty of death (Ex 31:15, Num 15:32, 36)
Jesus broke the Sabbath and made excuses for his disciples doing the same (John 5:16, Matt 12:1-3, 5)

Baptism commanded (Matt 28:19)
Forget it, no baptism (1 Cor 1:14, 17)

Every kind of animal allowed for food (Gen 9:3, 1 Cor 10:25, Rom 14:14)
Some animals prohibited as food (Deut 14:7, 8)

You can take an oath (Num 30:2, Gen 21:23-24, 31:53, Heb 6:13)
Meh, no you can’t (Matt 5:34)

Marriage approved (Gen 1:28, 2:18, Matt 19:5, Heb 13:4)
Marriage disapproved – not just the gay ones (1 Cor 7:1, 7:7, 8)

Divorce permitted (Deut 21:10-11, 14, 24:1)
Nope. Divorce restricted (Matt 5:32)

Adultery forbidden (Ex 2:14, Heb 13:4)
Adultery okay after all (Num 31:18, Hos 1:2, 2:1-3)

Marriage or cohabitation with a sister denounced (Deut 27:22, Lev 20:17)
But Abraham married his sister and God blessed the union (Gen 17:16, 20:11-12)

A man may marry his brother's widow (Deut 25:5)
Oh no he can’t (Lev 20:21)

Hating your kinfolk is okay (Luke 14:26)
Hatred of kindred condemned (Eph 5:25, 29, 6:2)

Booze recommended (Prov 31:6-7, 1 Tim 5:23, Ps 104:15)
Don’t drink (Prov 20:1, 23:31-32)

It is our duty to obey our rulers (seriously, it says that), who are God's ministers, and punish evildoers only (Rom 13:1-3, 6)
We can disobey rulers because they sometimes punish the good and condemn themselves to damnation for being so stupid (Ex 1:17, 20, Dan 3:16, 18, 6:7, 9-10, Acts 4:26-27, Mark 12:38-40, Luke 23:11, 24, 33, 35)

Women's rights affirmed (Judges 4:4, 14, 15, 5:7, Acts 2:18, 21:9)
And women's rights taken away (Gen 3:16, 1 Tim 2:12, 1 Cor 14:34, 1 Peter 3:6)

You should obey your masters (Col 3:22-23, 1 Peter 2:18)
You should obey only God (Matt 4:10, 23:10, 1 Cor 7:23)

The So-Called Historical Facts

Forty percent of Americans believe Adam was made out of mud and stuff, and that Eve was made out of a bit of Adam. So no doubt they’ll be able to explain the contradictory ‘facts’ below:

Man was created after the other animals (Gen 1:25-27)
Man was created before the other animals (Gen 2:18-19)

God hardened Pharaoh's heart (Ex 4:21)
Pharaoh hardened his own heart (Ex 8:15)

All the cattle and horses in Egypt died (Ex 9:3, 6)
All the horses of Egypt did not die (Ex 14:9)

Moses feared Pharaoh (Ex 2:14-15, 23, 4:19)
Moses did not fear Pharaoh (Heb 11:27)

Plague killed twenty-four thousand (Num 25:9)
Well, twenty-three thousand maybe (1 Cor 10:8)

The father of Joseph, Mary's husband, was Jacob (Matt 1:16)
The father of Mary's husband was Heli (Luke 3:23)

The father of Salah was Arphaxad (Gen 11:12)
The father of Salah was Cainan (Luke 3:35-36)

There were fourteen generations from Abraham to David (Matt 1:17)
Only thirteen generations from Abraham to David (Matt 1:2-6)

There were fourteen generations from the Babylonian captivity to Christ (Matt 1:17)
Only thirteen generations from the Babylonian captivity to Christ (Matt 1:12-16)

[Note: the fact Matthew doesn’t seem able to count very well is probably explained by the fact he was a tax collector.]

Baby Jesus was taken into Egypt (Matt 2:14, 15, 19, 21, 23)
The infant Christ was not taken into Egypt (Luke 2:22, 39)

Christ was tempted in the wilderness (Mark 1:12-13)
Christ was not tempted in the wilderness (John 2:1-2)

Christ preached his first sermon on the mount (Matt 5:1-2)
Christ preached his first sermon on the plain (Luke 6:17, 20)

John was in prison when Jesus went into Galilee (Mark 1:14)
John was not in prison when Jesus went into Galilee (John 1:43, 3:22-24)

Christ's disciples were commanded to go forth with a staff and sandals (Mark 6:8-9)
Christ's disciples were commanded not to dress like hippies (Matt 10:9-10)

A woman of Canaan sought out Jesus (Matt 15:22)
Well, maybe it was really a Greek woman – they all look the same (Mark 7:26)

Two blind men besought Jesus (Matt 20:30)
Actually, only one blind guy (Luke 18:35, 38)

Christ was crucified at the third hour (Mark 15:25)
Christ was not crucified until the sixth hour (John 19:14-15)

The two thieves reviled Christ (Matt 27:44, Mark 15:32)
Only one of the thieves reviled Christ (Luke 23:39-40)

Satan entered into Judas while at supper (John 13:27)
Satan entered into him before the supper, which would certainly be more polite (Luke 22:3,4,7)

Judas committed suicide by hanging (Matt 27:5)
Maybe not (Acts 1:18)

The potter's field was purchased by Judas (Acts 1:18)
The potter's field was purchased by the Chief Priests (Matthew 27:6, 7)

There was but one woman who came to the sepulchre (John 20:1)
There were two women who came to the sepulchre (Matt 28:1 although by now you’ll easily believe Matt didn’t have enough fingers to count properly)

Dr. Laura

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a strident US radio personality who dispensed moral and lifestyle advice to people who called in to her radio show. She was a real peach.

After a series of really atrocious comments from the good doctor got her into a heap of trouble, she finally gave up the radio program in 2010 and now talks the good talk via her website, including cute little video clips where we can see she fancies herself a stand-up, er sit-down, comic. She says she made this change because taking herself off radio would restore her First Amendment rights to speak like an idiot whenever she chooses. [Actually, that’s a liberal interpretation of her real words – but close enough.]

Although she puts herself forward as a counselor, her PhD is actually in physiology, with her doctoral thesis covering insulin in rats. Just the credentials I’d seek out for moral guidance.

She has long expounded that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, she knows homosexuality is an abomination (because it says so in Lev 18:22), and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. Noting that her mother was Italian, she barely qualifies as a Jew at all, let alone Orthodox, but let’s not nitpick.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, named Jack, searching for guidance, which he posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
   
   
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
   
   
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
   
   
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
   
   
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
   
   
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
   
   
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
   
   
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
   
   
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
   
   
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? -Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,

Jack

AUTHOR NOTES: A bunch of the discrepancies noted above were pointed out to me over the years, although there are some that I noticed myself. But an anonymous person made a list that contained most of these, and a few I hadn’t seen, and posted it on the Internet a while back. So to her or him I offer my thanks. And thanks to Jack.

I have not even suggested the most obvious truth about the Bible – that God is the leading cause of death. Since the advent of Jesus – who, if we are to take any of this book seriously, must have been a staunch socialist – God’s followers have assumed the killing role, usually in God’s name though. Because Jesus sure as hell wouldn’t have approved.

But that’s a story for another day. Right now, I’m putting my Bible back on my bookshelf where it usually sits. In the fiction section.

Paul Richard Harris is an Axis of Logic editor and columnist, based in Canada. He can be reached at paul@axisoflogic.com.

Read the Biography and additional articles by Axis Columnist, Paul Richard Harris