|While you sit there in your La-Z-Boy eating Cheetos in the warmth of your living room, watching Ice Road Truckers, brave American men are on the front lines of the fight for freedom, up there in Oregon, huddled in a cold and damp bird sanctuary, freezing their nuts off, in need of socks and snacks. They are standing up bravely against a tyrannical government, though from the looks of the signs they printed up, they don’t actually know how to spell “tyrannical.” Spelling ain’t their forte, of course, because these are men of action, not words. But be that as it may, they vow to stay in that cottage on that wildlife preserve until hell freezes over, or until the government agrees to give that property over to them, or to the local government, or the state of Oregon (it’s not entirely clear).
Won’t you stand with these brave and self-sacrificing patriots who are giving so up so much for you, your children, and your grandchildren? In the tradition of Valley Forge, these men are facing frostbite and the Feds in order to protect the right of Americans like them to use public lands as they personally see fit, and for free.
Fighting is their forte, not pre-planning. Though they went to Burns to occupy that bird sanctuary indefinitely, they didn’t bring enough socks or snacks, so on the second day of their brave occupation of that property, they put out a call to other patriots to send them some snacks, with a stated preference for pork rinds, Slim Jims, Twinkies, or Hostess Ding Dongs. Vienna sausages are also highly prized by these warriors who are putting their lives on the line for your freedoms.
These warriors against government are no pansies, neither. Though they could have taken over a bird sanctuary in Florida, for instance, they chose instead to make their stand in a place called Malheur, though it’s pretty certain that none of them knew that means “bad time” in French. None of these as yet untried but surely true Americans would have ever taken time to learn a pansy-ass language like French, a tongue spoken by “cheese-eating surrender monkeys,” in the words of Tucker Carlson, a bow-tied media badass and uber patriot in his own right.
We can’t all be on the front lines of this important fight, but you can do your part for freedom, and for our God-given rights as Americans to do exactly as we please whenever we want, the way the Constitution intended. You can head down to Wal-Mart and stock up on snacks today, then phone our hotline to find out how to get those snacks to our brave boys in Burns (or just outside of Burns, actually, in that vast wasteland earlier brave patriots had wrested from the indigent Paiutes).
Stand up for America, and help these men make it great again.