So being off the grid for a month, I had plenty of spare time on my hands to think about stuff, wander around, and contemplate the interlocked workings of our miserably suffering little planet. You know, that war crap and corrupt politicians and Israeli atrocity on Palestinians and the U.S. Congress and pandemics.

You know if’n it ain’t one thing, it’s about ten other things, and misery does love company. So when we’ve got war we’ve got an assortment of miseries and suffering seems about an in general motif.

Hey, has the Obama brought about an end to ALL war yet? I mean, I was off the grid for a month and the Obama won a Nobel Peace Prize and dang, don’t that just beat all? Well don’t it? I mean, dang! So did the Obama bring an end to ALL war? He should have you know. I mean, he won the Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobelites don’t give that “Peace Prize” to just anybody. No they do not.

Well and so having a month off the grid and just about way too much time on my hands, I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to find news. You know the old fashioned way, television and print media. What in hell happened to news? Real news. Where one can find out fact and fact-checked journalism and relevance. Doesn’t seem to be any of that anymore. Nope.

You get “media stars” and crap but no real fact. Well okay, I admit that I found out about the Obama “winning the Nobel Peace Prize” from the television. I’m thinking it was Brian Williams told “America” about that. That Brian Williams sure is pretty.

Anyway, I learned that America is still caught in the grips of “pandemic swine flu.” Yup. Oh holy pig plop on viral crackers, the swine flu is everywhere.

I had the swine flu back in April. After listening to the “pundits and CDC brainiacs” on the television, I’m convinced I had it. Back in April. It’s now almost November.

So after listening to and watching the panic on television and reading about it in the local daily rag, I “learned” that the CDC while championing a “swine flu vaccine,” isn’t quite up to speed to handle the sickies that are dying across America. Ain’t no dang vaccine. Ain’t gonna be no dang vaccine until sometime about next year.

Now there is SOME vaccine. Available for “special” Americans like the Obama kids but, not enough to go around. Hmmm, why would the Obama kids get swine flu vaccine but not the poor kids in Compton? Oh right. Privilege. Hmmm, maybe the Obama kids getting vaccinated has something to do with the Nobel Peace Prize.

Now I know for a fact that folks were lining up at 4:00 a.m. in the freaking early pre-dawn hours to get vaccine from a local clinic. A local clinic told the public on the radio that they’d have the vaccine. The killer swine flu vaccine and given the hysteria that seems to finally be taking hold on America, folks got their little darlings up pre-dawn and bundled their tiny bodies up for the ride to clinic and waited. And waited and waited and waited and then the burly surly clinic nurse came out and told the folks that hadn’t made it in clinic for the vaccine yet, to go home. Vaccine gone and no more vaccine was to be forthcoming.

Hmmm, Sasha and Malia didn’t have to bundle up and wait at some clinic in the cold for their vaccine. Nope, they’re “special!” Sasha and Malia didn’t have to wonder why mom was doing the freak-out cause there wasn’t any more vaccine. Nope they did not.

Anyway and so, I decided to take a walk out to Dolly Varden. Dolly Varden, Nevada. Just south and west of the Gaza Strip, Utah/Nevada. That’s where Mammy Sammy lives. Mammy Sammy is the Elko County voodoo lady. Sometimes one can have just too much time on one’s hands.

Now Mammy Sammy concocts the ever so popular Mammy Sammy’s Magic Mojo and Mystical Healing Elixir. The Elixir is some guaranteed to work juice. I’ve used Mammy Sammy’s Elixir on numerous cuts, scraps, moles, warts, splotches, mars, marks, wrinkles, and general malaise. Works like magic. That’s no joke either. Mammy Sammy’s Elixir is some powerful liquid and has baffled the medical professional all up and down northeast Nevada and the western portion of Utah for years. I swear by the stuff. Works and that’s gospel.

Mammy Sammy isn’t just any voodoo lady. Oh hell no. Mammy Sammy knows all manner of mystical stuff about all kinds of healing ways and means. Ancient shamanic wonders and tribal medicines and herbal healing crap and she doesn’t suffer fools lightly. One had best make an appointment to see Mammy Sammy and considering that she lives out in Dolly Varden, that is no mean feat.

You see Dolly Varden, Nevada is a no-bars dead zone and getting a call through is difficult on the best of days. So you’ll walk if’n you want to see Mammy Sammy and you’d better have an appointment. Yup. See, I’ve got an inside connection with Mammy Sammy and I can get in to see her.

Anyway, I asked Mammy Sammy what she thought about the swine flu paranoia, the CDC, and did she have a sure-fire cure for the flu. Not for me see, nope, for all the poor folks that weren’t “connected” enough to get into a clinic and get vaccinated. You see, just regular folk are waiting for the CDC to pull their heads out long enough to do the job they get paid those pricey government bucks to do. You know, like vaccines and ‘sound’ medical advice and stuff like that there.

Mammy Sammy likes to refer to the CDC as the “Center for Diseased Confusion.”
“Don’t be planning any long wait on the federal government” claims Mammy Sammy. “The CDC/federal government couldn’t cure a bad case of ass-hives if’n their lives depended on it!”

Mammy Sammy tells it like she sees it. Always has and will for the foreseeable future.
“So?” I asked Mammy Sammy. “What kind of wisdom can you depart to the little people?”

Mammy Sammy gave me an evil eye glare that she sometimes offers up when she feels like you’re being disrespectfully or just being a dummy. I shut up and waited.

“First, the folks need the Mystic Mojo and Magical Healing Elixir. One full Mason jar full. Then, the folks need one large clove of raw garlic. Not that store bought crap, gots to be Gilroy, California garlic. Fresh from Gilroy. This is a must for the remedy. Garlic from Gilroy. Gilroy is close to San Francisco and that makes all the difference.”

“Let me make some notes” I told Mammy Sammy. Mammy Sammy continued...

“Now, two fresh antelope pellets. Two, got that? One fresh sage sleeve. The flower from a blossoming Rabbit Brush. Three egg shells. Six live fire ants. One teaspoon of bat shit. Fresh. Two pinches of alkaline from off’n the flats. Charcoal and not that crappy store charcoal. Make your own. One half pint of deep clay. A pinch of Shafter quartz dust. Four Mormon crickets and it doesn’t matter if they’re dead or whatever.

“Now you mix all the ingredients in a bowl and smash then grind everything together. Now you’ll want to wash the mash with my Mystic Mojo Elixir. Just a wash and don’t get too carried away with the liquid. You don’t want soup, you’ll want a rub. Pasty like. Now rub your clothes with the preparation and shower using the remainder like soap. In that exact order too. You mess up the proper order of the preparation and you won’t get the natural benefit. You’ll have to wait on the CDC and won’t you be in big trouble then.

“I guarantee you won’t have to worry about the swine flu, the CDC, the federal government, or the neighbor’s kids. You’ll have the natural immunity needed to avoid being infected by the federal government or the swine flu. Now get the hell off’n my property and don’t come back without an appointment!”

Getting Mammy Sammy to part with her medicinal remedies can be a trying experience. It can also be a touch dangerous. Mammy Sammy keeps an old Remington pump shotgun loaded and propped in the corner by her door. But given the panic and worry that plagues the American people over the lack of swine flu vaccine, visiting Mammy Sammy is a sacrifice I’m willing to make and share with everybody. Besides, the walk to Dolly Varden is good for one’s health. Wears out at least two pair of shoes but mostly worth every minute of the visit.

So the Nobel dummies gave Obama the Nobel Peace Prize? Really?

READ MORE ESSAYS AND POEMS BY DON NASH ON AXIS OF LOGIC