Citizens, we regret to interrupt your day with these important matters. But it has come to our attention that far too many of you are failing to read or watch the daily news provided by our friends, the Mainstream Press. We don’t wish to alarm you, but there are momentous events underway that have probably not even appeared on the radar for many of you.

As a Public Service Announcement (PSA), then, we are asking that you pay attention to the important news that follows:

• Princess Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge and wife of the future king of England, purchased a new dress today. It is said to be very pretty.

• Jennifer Lopez and her husband, Marc Antony, have decided to part company. Well, sort of. They aren’t going to be husband and wife anymore, but their joint business ventures will continue. [You may heave a sigh of relief here.]

• Australian-born media magnate Rupert Murdoch, owner of most of the Press outlets in the Terran Solar System, had a successful bowel movement today, without the aid of a suppository. We understand he views this as a success as this is the only kind of Tory Mr Murdoch doesn’t already have up his bum.

• A local ABC affiliate in Wichita Falls is reporting that a young man, who will be returning to school in a few weeks, got a heckuva deal on coloured pencils at Wal-Mart.

• Brad Pitt brushed his teeth yesterday.

• The Prime Minister of Canada, the Right Honourable Stephen Harper, played a round of mini-golf at the Broadway Driving Range and Miniature Golf Course in Depew, New York last week. It is not known if the Prime Minister had his ass handed to him by his children, but he was not seen to smile. [For the record, he usually smiles only when lying to voters.]

• Michelle Obama had another hamburger. With kosher pickles.

• An American couple just paid $77,000 for a jacket that was once worn by deceased actor, Bruce Lee. The actor wore the jacket in his last film. It is blue with a fur lining. It is not known if the couple are going to take turns wearing it, or if fights will erupt over who gets it next.

• If you own a ‘smart’ cellphone, the next call you receive could be for you. Now that’s smart!

• In Washington, Republicans and Democrats have decided that, after several weeks of not being able to decide anything, they need a long vacation. 

• President Barack Obama celebrated his fiftieth birthday this week. Republicans and Tea Partiers everywhere wished him one happy return. But only one.

• A tragic motor vehicle accident in Monaco last week left five cars damaged. A driver managed to bounce her Bentley off a Mercedes, a Ferrari, a Porsche, and an Aston-Martin. Witnesses gave her bonus points for the finesse of hitting all four vehicles without having to back up and run at them a second time. Damages are said to be about $1 million. The only unfortunate part of the incident is that the woman driver found herself pinned in her Bentley and had to wait for emergency crews to extricate her. Meanwhile, thousands of cellphone photos of her predicament are filling Facebook pages everywhere.

• In a rather sad note, we’ve learned that Desperate Housewives is now facing its final season on television. Show executives won’t talk about how the series is going to end, but they were emphatic the rumour suggesting the women in the show would spin off into a new series entitled Brothel of Brainless Bimbos is not true.

• Press reports in England reveal that Victoria Beckham (who used to be somebody) will be attending a New York fashion show where she is expected to show off her post-natal figure. Apparently, she was pregnant. But she isn’t any longer.

• And finally, speaking again of pregnancy, Carla Bruni, the wife of French president Nicholas Sarkozy continues to be pregnant. In an effort to shave some time off the usual nine-months gestation, the President is said to have considered issuing a decree. A spokesperson from the Élysée declined comment about the decree, although she did confirm that the baby is still in there.

Citizens, you are free now to return to your fanciful world of wars and famines, natural disasters and environmental degradation, of rape and pillage and whatever other mindless entertainments you use to fill your hollow lives. Thank you for reading this PSA and pretending – if only for a little while – to truly care about the important news stories from around the world.

Your Government thanks you, and encourages you to consume and obey. Carry on about your business.

Paul Richard Harris is an Axis of Logic editor and columnist, based in Canada. He can be reached at paul@axisoflogic.com.

Read the Biography and additional articles by Axis Columnist, Paul Richard Harris