The Upside Down World | New Zealand |Axisoflogic.com

Editor's Commentary:
Back in September 2009, I wrote a piece called New Zealand and the Rats (click on the link to read it). Most of the point to the article, other than the interesting archaeological and anthropological facts it discusses, was a gentle dig at my Godzone friend, Lance Broughton, author of the piece that follows hereafter.

Since I presume that Lance is writing this piece at least partly as payback, I want to congratulate him on letting his thoughts percolate for so long before responding. Never react in haste, I always say.

So bearing in mind that it is actually New Zealand where people are upside down, you should cut him some slack due to all the blood rushing to his head.

-prh, Editor

New Zealand is a weird country [no kidding! - ed.] in a strange part of an unpredictable world. Most of us would predict that the day after today is tomorrow but I would cautiously think carefully about this perception. When I wake tomorrow morning, it’s not tomorrow is it? It’s today. But that’s NZ for you. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it?

By the same token NZ is at the bottom of the world and compared with somebody writing a column in Canada, I’m writing this column sitting upside down compared to the Canadian, who from my point of view is obviously sitting head down with both feet up in the air. This must be true because my feet are at the bottom and my head is protruding above the rest of me. Naturally I’m obviously right because the rain is falling from the sky above my head onto the ground beneath my feet. It makes me wonder who the hell would want to live in Canada and have the rain fall from their feet to their head?

When I drive my car on the left side of the road, it’s the right side. But if I were to drive on the right side, it’s not right for NZ. Yet if I were to drive in Canada, the right side of the road is the right side and the left side is not the right side. But the gear lever for both cars are in the middle. In NZ the accelerator pedal is on the right side and believe it or not, so is the Canadian accelerator.

Yesterday I climbed to collect the peaches from my peach tree. When ripe our upside down gravity lifts them in the air and they wait for me to collect them. In Canada they would fall to the ground and bruise themselves, which would of course make them inedible. Who the hell would want to live in Canada?

My vegetable garden is a miracle for intriguing eyes. Gravity allows my pumpkins to climb fences and mix with my runner beans (see photo). Would this happen in Canada? I can grow two crops of potatoes over summer and a week before they’re ready, they disappear underground to protect themselves from politically inspired gravitation. Apparently it has something to do with politicians gravely spouting about promoting the nation from bankruptcy to receivership. There’s more money in it for them. The spuds don’t like too much political spouting, it ostensibly upsets their multiple eyes from recognising garden invaders like moths and roaming Canadian Geese [that's Canada geese, if you please - ed]. The geese import themselves to NZ to get away from flying on the right side of everything. It’s also an escape from having to speak French in a British Colony.

Life in NZ can be a little difficult at times. Upside down gravity can make one light headed and an infrequent consumer of red wine. Which reminds me, my red grapes are ready and floating on the breeze awaiting my personal indulgence and even my corn cobs are growing brilliantly upside down.

But all things considered, I guess I’m just about perfect at everything to do with things immaculate. Perhaps New Zealand and Canada are compatible to a certain extent? Apart from "C, W, E and Z", NZ has much the same letters and I’m sure I could learn to speak with a French accent. Adios and all that bubbly champagne stuff. Or is it adieu and all that flat beer etc.

Ps. Don’t even mention the USA, even their light switches are upside down.